I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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