Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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