was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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