so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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