I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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