i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
