We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
