I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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