don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
