My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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