I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
