Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
