The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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