She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
