Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
