your room smells of hookers.
And success
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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