I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
