she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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