make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
