I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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