Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should my penis look like a turkey
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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