Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
