I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
there is glitter all over my balls
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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