I should be sponsored by Trojan
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
