I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
