I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My balls are so social today.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize