ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
