I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
