i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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