I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
