??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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