Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
