I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
