now i know why i became what i already was.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
