I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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