someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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