tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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