he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
