u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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