remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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