Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
