oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
