I'm gonna have a badass scar
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
