u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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