I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
