wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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