You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do you remember whose house we're in?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
