her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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