Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
