My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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