Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's get the cat blown out
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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