peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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