Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
