WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
