Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
