you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
