Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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